NOTE: This addition to the June 6 ASK Salt Spring Report requested by a participant: 

“When asked if he would be willing to seek a meeting with the Minister of Health that would also include Gary Holman to discuss the $50 million taken out of the Island Health budget for a new long term care facility on Salt Spring, Rob agreed to put it on his strategy list in September.”

June 13:

Nine joined us to welcome Laura Dafoe and Jessica Terezakis for thisRestorative Justice/ASK Salt Spring gathering to discuss what works (and does not work) when encountering divisive issues among family and close friends. We began with a Land Acknowledgement that reminded us that Restorative Justice principles (https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/cj-jp/victim/rest.html) stem from First Nations’ traditions of working together to resolve conflicts. We were told the story of two brothers who began their daily conversation with each other by saying, “Tell me if I am wrong.” By recognizing that one may be wrong, it becomes safe to disagree. 

Before beginning our conversation about the skills needed to address divisive issues with family and loved ones, we learned that Restorative Justice had held a very successful AGM the evening before. Would you like to read the Salt Spring Restorative Justice Annual Report? Just ask: info@rjssi.org. 

Did you know that our Restorative Justice team has provided support and circle training for 162 Salt Springers this year? There was also an acknowledgement of the second Friday of the month partnership with ASK Salt Spring, which can be credited for some of these referrals. (We also learned that the Restorative Justice team is taking a summer break from ASK Salt Spring, returning Friday, September 13, 11-1, at the SIMS classroom.)  

We first reviewed and agreed to adhere to the Five Agreements:

1) Honour each individual’s opportunity to speak when holding the talking piece.

2) Speak and listen with care.

3 Speak and listen from the heart.

4) Take the time you need while also being mindful of the need for others to have time.

5) Honour confidentiality: Share the learning, not the details of personal information.

We began with a quote from Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search For Meaning” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man’s_Search_for_Meaning): 

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. 

In that space is our power to choose our response. 

In our response lies our strength. 

We then embarked upon an exploration of the difficult conversations we have experienced, seeking to identify what might help us navigate these potentially divisive situations. Our first circle activity asked us each to introduce ourselves and choose a word or value that we wanted in our minds as we enter conversations that could be conflict-laden.

Words selected included:

• Compassion for myself,
• Humility (rather than preconceived ideas),
• Space,
• Love,
• Remembering to seek a shared reality,
• Dignity,
• Openness to different perspectives,
• Trust,
• Hope that my intentions will be understood, and
• Compassion for others. 
• Respect.

We then broke into small groups to identify what does not work in conflictual situations. Answers were rich and diverse, including:

• Competing for control and assuming authority over the conversation;
• Reacting;
• Proceeding without permission to have that conversation;
• Rushing the conversation;
• Texting rather than having face-to-face communication;
• Using information dumping to convince another and sending internet links to try to prove you are right;
• Employing the “Silent Treatment,” ghosting, and/or gaslighting;
• Putting up barriers;
• Speaking louder and louder;
• Trying to dehumanize another for not agreeing, and
• Punishing the one who does not agree. 

We then turned our attention to what works. We were asked to recall times when divisive conversations were successfully navigated, identifying what happened to turn these difficult conversations into successful ones. Answers included:

• Really listening;
• Asking permission for this conversation – Checking in to make sure the other is open to it;
• Sharing one’s own emotions and vulnerability;
• Taking all the time needed to work through disagreements;
• “Sometimes important things take time, and sometimes that requires a time out. And with this time out, keep the connection by suggesting the conversation resume at another time;
• Pausing to recognize what is happening in your own mind and body;
• Collaboratively agreeing to a format for the conversations, staying on topic, and not expanding the scope by adding surprise topics;
• Being curious, genuinely interested in what the other is saying;
• Recognizing that a sense of humour can break the tension;
• Food also helps!
• Remembering that we have a choice about whether to engage;
• Not judging;
• Breathing;
• Recognizing the fear in ourselves;
• Remembering that fear is not a weakness but often stems from a lack of understanding or knowledge;
• Understanding that anger is our protection against pain, patience is the antidote;
• Suggesting a private conversation if this conflict arises in a public setting;
• Not jumping to assumptions;
• Remembering that we all bring different life experiences;
• Working hard to learn to communicate in a better way, consider developing nonviolent communication skills;
• Being aware of your body language;
• Taking deep breaths;
• Asking questions; and
• Accepting that you may not change their perspective or mind.

We were then asked to share a phrase we could use to invite a difficult conversation. Suggestions were:

• You come from a very different experience, so it is natural that we see things differently;
• That’s interesting – I’ll think about it;
• Thanks for your opinion;
• I’ve never thought about that. . . ;
• What you said really had an impact on me;
• Help me to understand;
• We’ll see; and
• What do you mean by that?”

As our time together this week was nearly over, we were asked to share a word or phrasethat we want to rememberfrom this gathering. Responses included:

• Permission,
• Know when to engage and when to walk away,
• Learn Nonviolent Communication skills,
• It is okay to let it go – love is more important.
• “That’s interesting – I’ll think about it,”
• Compassion, and
• Lead with curiosity. 

We closed with a quote from Mahatma Gandhi: 

Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by fear of punishment and the other by acts of love.

Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent than the one derived from the fear of punishment. 

As we prepared to leave, we thanked Jessica and Laura for an amazing conversation and for all their work guiding so many Salt Springers through conflict to a better understanding and richer relationships. (Thank you, Laura and Jessica!)

Just in case you are interested. . . .This report has been written by Gayle Baker, founder of ASK Salt Spring, currently also a Salt Spring Local Community Commissioner. It has been reviewed and edited by Laura and Jessica.