March 14

Seventeen joined us for all or part of this ASK Salt Spring conversation about strategies to address the harm caused by hurtful comments and polarization on social media. Leading us on this difficult and emotional conversation were our Restorative Justice facilitators, Program Coordinator, Jessica, and volunteers Laura and Fig. 

Jessica offered our Land Acknowledgement, reminding us that Restorative Justice principles stem from collaborative circle practices from Indigenous peoples around the world. She ended with a quote by Chief Dr. Robert Joseph (https://www.theindigenousfoundation.org/articles/chief-dr-robert-joseph), “Reconciliation includes anyone with an open mind and an open heart who is willing to look into the future with a new way, Let us find a way to belong to this time and place together. Our future, and the well-being of all our children, rests with the kind of relationships we build today.” She suggested we read his book, Namwayut, A Pathway to Reconciliation: https://reconciliationcanada.ca/namwayut-a-pathway-to-reconciliation/.

Joining us the second Friday of each month, 11-1, in the SIMS classroom, we began as we have in previous gatherings by reviewing the five agreements: 

1) Honour each individual’s opportunity to speak when holding the talking piece.

2) Speak and listen with respect.

3) Speak and listen from the heart.

4) Take the time you need while also being mindful of the need for others to have time.

5) Honour confidentiality: Share the learning, not the details or personal information.

After we were reminded to listen with respect, engaging our hearts as well as our minds, we began with a fun question: We were all asked to briefly introduce ourselves and share what was exciting us about the coming spring. Needless to say, responses varied greatly, including, “It is already here!” “Will it ever arrive?”to a sharing of that sublime joy of budding trees, baby birds, and singing frogs. 

We began by learning that the Salt Spring Island Foundation’s Vital Signs (https://ssifoundation.ca/vital-signs/) cited community divisions as one of Salt Spring’s biggest challenges, adding that these divisions are often made worse by social media. Acknowledging that it is a strong impulse to want to share personal stories, we were asked, instead, to share the feelings we experience when we encounter hurtful social media comments about ourselves or others. The answers ranged widely from curiosity and flight to anger, loneliness, sadness, invisibility, and that frightening feeling of being bullied. 

We discussed sadness and a sense of lost opportunity, many agreeing that social media had the promise of offering deeper connections but is too often weaponized to focus on personalities rather than issues. One participant shared that he felt like he had a target on his back, much social media having devolved into a spectator sport in which the most hurtful comments get the most responses. While shunning has been an unfortunate weapon of communities for centuries, this online shunning, often read by thousands and barraging us everyday, is leaving too many in our community damaged and isolated. We were asked:  ”Why in a community full of caring folks are so many being harmed by rampant unkind communications”?

We were reminded that when our needs are met, we usually experience feelings such as connection, joy, and enthusiasm. Unmet needs bring up uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety and loneliness. We were each asked to identify what needs someone who communicates hurtfully may be missing. The responses included safety, acceptance, community, security, and a shared sense of what is true. 

While the purpose of our time together was to better understand hurtful communications and develop the skills to better address them, it was clear that many in the circle had very personal experiences they needed to share. While this circle was not designed as the place to address personal stories of hurt, our Restorative Justice facilitators offered one-on-one work with those wishing to further explore these personal issues. During this one-on-one work, these trained volunteers can sit with individuals for as long as needed, creating a space where their stories can be heard with care and compassion. 

We were then asked what we do to ameliorate the harm done by hurtful communication. Answers included: 

• Practice compassion and loving-kindness;
• Pause, counting at least 10 seconds before responding;
• Self-reflect, breathe, and practice self-care, like a bubble bath with candles;
• Reach out to the one who has harmed you to have a face-to-face conversation;
• Respond with empathy;
• Find a friend and release the hurt by whining or crying;
• Ask ChatGBT to see if the emotions one feels are reasonable (a surprise response for many of us); 
• Follow Buddhist teachings such as: Is it true?, Is it kind?, Is it necessary? Is it the right time?
• And the list went on . . . 

Some committed to turn off social media, focusing their communications on face-to-face interactions whenever possible. Others asserted that we are stronger than an algorithm  and that we must learn how to make social media a positive social force. For those continuing to use social media, it was suggested that they:

1. Focus on issues, behaviours, and actions rather than personalities;
2. Try to understand the background and underlying needs of the person making the comment; 
3. Counteract the dehumanizing effect of social media with compassion; and
4. Know when to disengage.  

As our time together was over for this week, we were asked to ponder two questions: 

1. How can we create a community culture where people feel safe to make mistakes, learn, and be accountable without fear and exclusion?
2. What support do you need from this group or the wider community to navigate conversations that feel difficult or emotionally activating? 

Fig closed with a quote from Brené Brown: “Compassion is not a virtue — it is a commitment. It’s not something we have or don’t have – it’s something we choose to practice.”

A little tired but more connected from working through an emotional time together, it was clear that this was an extremely important conversation for our community. We bid Fig, Laura, and Jessica a fond farewell, appreciative of their hard work, courage in facilitating difficult conversations, and confidence that these conversations can be navigated with kindness and empathy. (Thanks Laura, Jessica, and Fig!)