February 14

Twenty-three plus a newborn (babies and dogs are always welcome!) joined the circle to welcome Restorative Justice volunteers Laura, Jessica, and Fig to this ASK Salt Spring gathering. Our time together was designed to develop competence to deal effectively with conflicts, moving in subsequent months to address divisive Salt Spring issues. After our Territorial Acknowledgment, we set the tone by reviewing five basic agreements: 

1. Honour each individual’s opportunity to speak when holding the talking piece.
2. Speak and listen with respect.
3. Speak and listen from the heart.
4. Take the time you need while also being mindful of the need for others to have time.
5. Honour confidentiality: Share the learning, not the details or personal information. 

Given the large number of participants, Laura reminded us to “take space and make space.” In other words, take the time you need to express yourself while also leaving time for others to do so. 

In the first of a number of times we went around the circle asking each participant for a quick answer to a question, we were asked: “What do you do for fun?” Understandably, answers were all over the board, from playtime with children, learning, and dog walking to one who loves arguing. We were then asked to identify the feelings we experience when we are joyful. Predictably, the answers were a variety of positive feelings experienced when we are joyful, such as excitement and peace.

We spent some quiet moments checking how we were feeling in the present. We learned that feelings come from our head, heart, and belly (instinct). Each generates different emotions. Connecting these different sources of feelings whenever possible is often the healthiest way to proceed. 

We learned that when our needs are met, we often experience feelings of safety, calm, and trust. When our needs are not being met, we often feel uncomfortable. This discomfort of unmet needs is often the result of some level of conflict.

We then turned our attention to conflict, being asked where conflict shows up and then to identify the words that show up for us when this conflict comes into our lives. Most conflicts for participants seemed to come from family, work, community, or from oneself; words to describe this conflict ranged from anger, fear, and excitement to sadness. 

We learned a bit about the brain’s response to anxiety, fear, and that feeling of being ruffled. It was suggested we learn more by checking out Dr. Dan Siegel’s Hand Model of the Brain on YouTube. Science has proven that, if we can calm our brain’s responses to the anxiety created by conflict, we can respond more effectively to this conflict. 

Most of the rest of our time together was focused on further exploring how we address conflict, both what works and what simply does not. We broke into groups of three and spent time generating an entire white board full of strategies to better address conflict as well as things that escalate conflict. These included: 

What Works: 

• Try to see the complexities of a conflict, rather than just two sides.
• Pause rather than immediately reacting,
• Stay calm and positive, possibly even defusing with humour,
• Active listen – mirror and paraphrase so that it is clear that you are hearing and understanding. 
• Offer patience and compassion, and
• Embrace the art of compromise, seeking win/win solutions rather than win/lose scenarios.

What Does Not Work:

• Being condescending or patronizing,
• Not really listening, thinking only about what you will say next,
• Being willing only to see your side of the conflict, and
• Yelling louder simply never works :). 

As our time together was nearly over for this gathering, we were asked: “How can we respond to conflict in the future at home, at work, and in our community?”Asked to dream big, the responses included: 

• Change Salt Spring from an island of “conflict surrounded by water” to a “community of compassion and care,“
• Approach conflict with respect and love,
• Listen and be heard,
• Participate in face-to-face conversations rather than social media,
• Shift from complaint-driven bylaw enforcement to face-to-face resolution of community issues,
• Welcome Restorative Justice to help us resolve conflicts, and 
• Most importantly, learn Restorative Justice skills and use them! 

As our time together this month was over, we bid a loving farewell to our amazing Restorative Justice team, inspired by the tools we had acquired; grateful for the dedication, enthusiasm, and knowledge our guests bring to all conversations; and looking forward to our next gathering with them on Friday, March 14, 11-1, in the SIMS classroom. (Thank you Jessica, Laura, and Fig!)